Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Twenty Years Ago

My friend just forwarded me the information for our 20 year class reunion. I'm glad I'm typing this because I don't think I could utter those words out loud about myself lol. Don't get me wrong, I'm not in the throws of an impending midlife crisis. Yes, I may occasionally utter that 40 is the new 20, but that's because I can appreciate that many people are stepping up and living their best lives without the constructs of agism. The older I get the more inspiring it is. I am happy to embrace that thought, and way of life.

I've been reminiscing on where and who I was in the year nineteen hundred and ninety-five. To be honest and real my life was a complete and total mess. I was newly graduated, accepted to college, and holding a terrible shameful secret. It's information I have thought long and hard about sharing, but I've decided against it. I was just barely an adult, (and I use that term for legal purposes only 18 is pretty far from being a grown up in so many aspects), yet I had some very grown up decisions to make with only weeks to spare before leaving for college. I wish there were someone else with whom I could share culpability with when it comes to the choices I made. However, at the end of the day the choices were mine alone.

I remember sitting in a therapists office a couple of months after my entrance into university. My whole goal was to desperately find someone who could validate my actions. I needed someone to give me a REASON why I had made so many poor life choices. I needed someone to tell me that there was blame I could place squarely on the shoulders of someone else. That would be my saving grace. Those answers would be the magic pill that would relinquish me from all guilt. More vividly do I remember the dead cold clinical stare in her eyes as I reached our for help. I was to be little more than a case number. Perhaps if I was interesting enough  I'd be fodder for conversation over dinner and wine with a friend or lover. It was at that point I almost gave up all hope. I've never felt more defeated and less valuable in all of my life. To this day I am not sure what gave me the will to go any further with my life. Fear of death? A praying mother? A selfish will to live? I'm not exactly sure.

I can say this, the life I led and the decisions I made resulted in 20 years of second guessing myself. Cloaked in contrition and a quest for redemption, I have spent the majority of these past years trying to make up for my past shortfalls. There were literally years that passed in which for the most part, I was going thru the motions without actually living. If there is a silver lining it would be that time spent soul searching did give me a modicum of wisdom, as well as, an abundance of empathy that other take much longer to obtain.

It's been since I've settled comfortably in my 30's that I finally had a revelation that continually punishing myself for a past I cannot change was for lack of better words STUPID. I spent a good 15+ years not truly enjoying the life I was building. What a complete and total wast of time and life that was. Sure I loved my family to the best of my capacity. But it wasn't enough. Worse yet I was incapable of accepting love. Even worse yet, I resigned myself into believing that I was not truly worthy of receiving love.

One day I decided if I'm going to do this thing called LIFE, I might was well start living. Spending years in ministry and seeing people with similar or even worse pasts with me not just survive but thrive, gave me hope that moving on from a dark past is possible. For about 2 years now I have been completely consumed with letting go of everything that brings me shame and pain. It's been an amazing process.

I have learned there are no good excuses for my actions. There is no running away from my mistakes. I have to accept that I made poor choices. There's no way around it. I did bad things. I have learned that there are REASONS for every action, but that doesn't excuse you. There is no fixing some mistakes and you can't take them back. But I think the most important lesson I have learned is that almost nothing lasts forever. Those things, those actions, and those circumstances are OVER. It's DONE.

I was thinking about the phrase that nothing lasts forever. It was really resonating with me as I tried to find things to refute the concept. Everything I came up with COULD potentially have an end. Friendship, marriage, work, material things, are all at the very least temporal. Even if it is death that separates you from them. Legacies may last a long time. But eventually they are little more than a footnote in a book about the past, that is forgotten by modern men. The only thing that I could think of that lasts forever is love. It's the only thing that I can think of that transcends time and even death.

I have heard it said (and come to believe) that love is an energy. In my belief system love is based in spirit.  It swirls all around us and never leaves. If we allow it, that love can be shared with others open to accept it. So I hold on to the love that exists within me and that which has been offered. This has been both my saving grace and source for healing. I owe it all to the love I possess and that which has been so generously given to me. Though the list is small of those who have truly loved me to life, that coupled with what resides in me has been enough to heal and make the rest of my life what will be the best of my life.

Peace and love friends xoxo...

Monday, July 20, 2015

Taking Stock

Up in arms are my children that school will be starting again in less than a month. Where has the time gone? Where has this YEAR gone? I remember when the thought of the year 2015 seemed like some distant futuristic time where mankind would be living like The Jetsons. Yet here I am in the throws of life, a wife, a mother, a small business owner, a spiritualistic Christian (I could go on...). Here I sit a person who is spiraling towards 40 and still trying to figure life out. I am in some ways satisfied with where I am. Actively seeking wisdom and growth, I am open to the spiritual insights that I am convinced guide my path. However, I recognize I am a work in progress and forever will be. I guess that's sometimes hard to except... I will never arrive. I (we) must constantly grow, learn, and evolve. Therefore, it's the constant setting of goals, and working towards them that gives me a sense of accomplishment.

I had to sit down and take stock of those things that are currently important to me. Some of them are little things that lend to a higher quality of life than just existing. Others still are foundational, that will make me into the person I am meant to be. It's funny because some of the simplest things seem to be the hardest to achieve. As this year quickly approaches it's final quarter there are things that I want to be able to say that I am practitioner of. If I can roll into 2016 having accomplished them I will be ready to set new goals. I want to:

  • Eat delicious healthy food regularly
  • Drink strong wine that makes me smile and relax
  • Be able to receive/accept the love that is given to me from people in my life
  • Dispense unfettered love that is life changing to those I give it to
  • Find that line between spontaneity and discipline that expresses who I am/was when I was younger
  • Fine tune my business model for continual and added success
  • Continue to distance and eliminate people who refuse to operate in the best interest of our mutual relationship
  • Make passionate love that soothes my soul and brings me joy
  • Continue to cultivate fulfilling relationships with my friends and loved ones
  • Actively work on becoming a better mother
  • Be disciplined in my personal development
  • Be disciplined in taking time to relax and or have fun so that I can have an enjoyable quality of life
I feel as if I can do all of those things regularly, 2015 will have been a great year. I know a list like this will look different to everyone. I wonder if you have done the same thing. I wonder what others find important. I guess what's paramount is that anyone actively trying to live their best life actually set goals and then find a systematic way of achieving them. I wish all of you a life worth living, and a live well lived. Peace and love my friends xoxo.

Saturday, July 18, 2015

Just Dance

I've got words swirling around inside. My tongue and my fingers fail me at the moment. I can't figure out what to write or say. It's deep. It's reflective. It would probably be understood by few. I'll try to express myself via yoga flow. If all else fails I'll just dance.

(I'm a horrible dancer there shall be no witnesses...😘)

Friday, July 3, 2015

Soul Stirring Pt.2

I remember one of my first incidents of Soul Stirring as I have come to call it. I lay in my bed completely restless. Every time I would try to drift off to sleep. I would feel this internal jolting sensation. It was so intense that I was physically jarred awake. After several hours, I got up and went to my father (he's a pastor) and asked him to come and bless my room. I was convinced there was a spirit in my room that was tasked to torment me.

He walked into my bedroom and began taking stock of the energy in the room. He paced and stood silent. He paced some more and mumbled inaudible silent prayers. All the while, I sat huddled on my bed waiting for him to do some serious ghost busting. After a few more moments he proclaimed the room was spirit free.
      "There's nothing in here. That's YOUR spirit that's feeling tormented," he stated.

That revelation hit me like a ton of bricks. He went on to counsel me. To explore just what it was that was troubling my soul. He went on to pray for me, and give me insight as to how I might find peace. What an unbelievable experience that was.

During that time I was dealing with a tremendous heartbreak. I had been devastated by someone whom I had earnestly cared for very deeply. I was in the process of trying to pick up the pieces of my life, and move forward. It is tough to realize that you are not loved by someone who you so desperately care for. It's even tougher to give up and try to redefine your future hopes and let go. I simply was not prepared for the higher level releases that need to take place when letting someone truly significant go. I understood emotional and mental connections and the unraveling thereof. Completely ignorant was I of the spiritual aspects.

Now I am older and wiser. I have more insight and understanding of spiritual things. When my soul starts stirring I make note, pray, meditate, hush and listen. I have made some important decisions lately. I have cut some ties with individuals who were comfortable treating me with a level of nonchalance that you don't treat people whom you love. It has stirred my soul to begin the path of forward momentum without them. It is my blessing and my curse to love hard. It is wisdom that dictates that I start expecting to be equally yolked with people who operate in a similar fashion.

I feel good about the changes I have made. I feel right in letting go. In turn focusing on those who do love me back has absolutely brought about increased joy, well being, and gratitude. I will take quality over quantity any day. It has become clear that love is not always a 2 way street. But relationships for damn sure better be, or there's no use of having one. Peace and love my friends xoxo...