Twenty-two years ago this week I lost a child. For 22 consecutive years this has been my own personal Hell Week. As I spend the last couple months reflecting on my 30's, this situation feels more poignant than ever. I remember being 22. In fact, I was pregnant with my 17 year old. All the while thinking about this little one. I was doing the math. How old she would be. What characters she would be obsessed with. Whether she would have liked school. Today she could have very well been in similar circumstances. It's conflicting to think about it all. Watching my children arc into adulthood is nothing short of bittersweet. Knowledge that my first would be old enough to start the journey of where I am today is not. It's painful. But I'm dealing with it. I celebrate the fact that her spirit is present and felt. It is so much better than years spent squelching these emotions. As the day approaches I'll leave myself open to receive any life lessons or revelations meant for me. I have obtained a few over the years. I know her spirit loves me. I know that being the best mother to my children honors her memory. I've learned to shed any shame associated with this situation. I humbly acknowledge that for me her conception was the truest most genuine expression I knew how to offer. It was a spiritually transient experience. I knew what I was doing. I know the moment in which she was conceived. Although I could not imagine the fallout and consequences after the fact. I have decided that THAT was my ONE moment in life. We all get one. That was mine. My enlightenment. A point in which I'll spend the rest of my life gleaning from. So I'm not ashamed. It's a part of my life story. One that at almost 40, I can understand enough to start to share. Twenty-two years ago I'd have never thought I would be able to do so. At 22 years old I wasn't ready. It's a new day. Peace and love friends xoxo.
Tuesday, March 14, 2017
Wednesday, December 7, 2016
However, I felt like today deserved an actual blog. I am truly staring down the path of a new age. This is a very exciting time for me. I know and trust I am coming into my own. Gone are the days where I even consider how my life's work is even viewed by naysayers. I KNOW I am on the proper course. What's more, I am enjoying the journey. It's not about getting to a certain destination. I have goals yes. And I am accomplishing many of them. I also fail at some of them. However, I have completely embraced not only the NOW that I live in. I accept that I am on a journey that will last my whole life. I am not working to get to a final destination.
So here at the tail end of 39, let me share with you where I stand, Never have I been in a better place emotionally. Spiritually I am on an incline that amazes me. The gifts of spiritual insight that God has given me and my faith have never been stronger. It's humbling, empowering, all encompassing. I actually lack words to articulate it. But I am grateful. It guides every other portion of my life. As a result I have never been more fulfilled. I have never felt more loved, for I have learned more fully to accept love. I have learned to harness and express love on a more spiritually mature level. I have never been surrounded by more authentic relationships. I have eliminated toxic people and influences. Furthermore, my rules for engagement require that I cutoff anyone who operates in toxicity.
My goal is to walk into 40 more mentally, spiritually, and physically healthy than I have ever been. I look forward to sharing and possibly inspiring anyone who takes the time to read my blog. Peace and love friends xoxo
Tuesday, August 16, 2016
A toast for a heartbeat that transitioned from mortality to immortality. They say time heals all wounds. I'm not sure if time can work such wonders. But I'm a witness that active participation on your journey to healing definitely helps. Days, years, and even decades pass. Finally, you can look back with reverence and not remorse. I sat in reflection earlier today. "A heavy heart but a clear conscience. " Those are the words that settled in my spirit. Sometimes that's your best case scenario. Grow, and most importantly heal. I can attest to the fact that 21 years can pass in the blink of an eye. Live each day fully. Learn, evolve, be better and do better. Peace and love my friends xoxo
Thursday, July 7, 2016
Friday, March 25, 2016
As I slept and my mind was unleashed, my subconscious began to explore topics that triggered emotional baggage that still exists in my soul. A revelation to me is there still lies a degree of pain I thought was long ago exorcized. But there it could be found. Not in the forefront of my mind. Not by peeling back layers and layers thru daily meditation. It was found in the taste of my tears. Bitter they were and what a surprise that was. Tears fall and they always reveal something. Sweet tears form when memories and emotions elicit them for beloved persons or events. Cleansing tears flow like baptismal waters to wash away those things keeping you bound to that from which you need to be set free. Bitter tears flow when some element of pain or anger is allowed to fester for to long. Pay attention to your tears. They're telling you something... Peace and love friends xoxo
Wednesday, March 16, 2016
A great conversation with my friend and confidante really got my brain wheels turning today. What is the measure of a persons success? I've come to the conclusion most times it can't be evaluated by anyone other than the individuals themselves. I believe the ultimate success is satisfaction that causes joy concerning what is being evaluated.
As a business owner who spends a lot of time in a competitive sports environment, the measure of a team's success is often viewed as the final score. Who won? Sweet success! Or is it? I've spent years around various experts who have given me greater light in evaluating what's going on. For example, they often feel if they had the most talented kids competing but mitigating factors led to a loss, they consider the team successful. Success for our coaches is contingent upon talent and skill.
I recently had a heart to heart with my children. We were discussing a kid we know who consistently makes very poor choices. Lying deception and manipulation for personal gain, once you understand the ramifications, are serious character flaws in my opinion. I expressed to my brood the measure of my success as a mother is if they turn out to be caring, compassionate, loving people.
I'll have opinions and suggestions on their careers. I'm trying to model a healthy relationship with my husband so they can gleen what they will for their own future partners. I'm hoping they live somewhere I can readily visit when it's time to fly from the nest. But, all of those circumstances are for THEM to navigate. Just give love. Build people up as well as the world around you. Do your part to make the world a better place. That's what will make me feel like every sacrifice I've made was worth it.
I'm surrounded by visionaries, healers, and prophets in my life. My circumstances are ever evolving. My measure of success when it comes to certain goals is as also. But the greatest measure of my life's work at any given time revolves around the joy rooted deeply in me based on my current body of work. Today I declare myself successful. Peace and love friends xoxo....
Tuesday, March 1, 2016
I am not emotionally stunted. But my emotional investments toward most people are definitely blunted... Let me unwrap that for you. I have spent most of my life entrenched in exploring and developing my emotional attachments to people. I love deeply. Be it friendship, family, or relationship based, if I love you, then I love me some you!
I've always considered the risk of loving someone more beneficial than harmful. The love outweighs the pain. So I would love through disappointments when others let me down. I after all am flawed. I've caused my fair share of pain as well.
However, as I mature and grow, I see that not everyone loves the same. Some people don't even love you at all. "I love you" is not a phrase that triggers my automatic loyalty anymore. I used to interpret those words to mean a person was committed to moving in my best interest. I used to believe that phrase would result in a mutual kinship and cooperation in blessing each other.
A more relevant definition of love in my opinion is that love had been replaced by actions emotions and deeds more closely correlated with general fondness. If I therfore can expect you to operate in such a manner, I'm fine with that. But my actions and emotions for you will rightly correspond.
I guess what I find somewhat strange is that people who act in fondness still expect you to move in love. That's the one part of the equation I still find confusing. We should all expect to get out of a relationship only what we are willimg to invest.
I am not emotionally stunted. I AM emotionally blunted. Most people no longer get from me the connection or commitment I'm capable of giving. I consistently and regularly check in with myself. I don't want to slight those who I'm in a relationship with. It's very important to me that I support the people in my life who truly love and support me. I'm told by them that I do a good job. I'm also told by them when I miss the mark. That's one of the best parts of being in a relationship. Adjusting what's needed to maintain your compatibility and grow together with someone. Quality connections with quality individuals makes life wonderful and worth living.
Blunting my emotions towards those who aren't willing to give me the same has been wise. That's not to say that I don't operate in kindness and respect. I try to do that to everyone. But the sacrifice, commitment, and risky investment of love is now reserved for those in my life who are willing to be equally yoked and give me the same thing. Peace and love my good people xoxo...