Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Still Searching

I only have 3 followers and chances are none of you have noticed my stark silence. The fact of the matter is, a lot has been going on with me. As I have said in the past, transparency is difficult for me. I struggle especially in the midst of trying situations to do little more than emote. I am an emotional person, and I actually like that about myself. I would rather feel, than not feel. However, I don't want to turn this into an online diary.

As usual the majority of my angst centers around people that I am close to or used to be close to. I really am at the point where nothing a person does isn't surprising. That's not a "soapboxy" statement. I include myself in that category. The human condition is complex, our actions and reactions range from mild to manic given the circumstance. I have said and done things far outside of what I thought was my nature. But the fact of the matter is all of our responses good and bad are enveloped in the larger auspices of human nature.

I know that's opening up a can of worms on an argument that looks a lot like justification for poor behavior. It's not. Bad behavior is not always excusable. But I can say this. The older I get, the more I UNDERSTAND how and why people act and react the way they do. I still hold to the positions that I must surround myself with people who can at least understand me, and that I can trust to be consistently stable in the personality that they present. It's the only thing that facilitates trust for me.

I have been on a quest for inspiration lately. My life is steadily advancing. I feel like for the first time in a long time it is headed in the direction that I want to go. I feel some level of stress, but still an overall sense of satisfaction. Yet, I can't help but feel as if something is missing. I am looking for........something that propel or elevate me to a greater level of understanding and motivation. When I step back and look at my current legacy, I think to myself: "That's good, but you can do greater". My problem is I don't know how to BE greater, or how to GET greater. So, I continue on my quest and search both outwardly and inwardly.

I recently read the memoir of a dying man. He put together a compilation of observations and advice that he had gathered over his short yet successful and fulfilled life. As I read, I couldn't help but think how many of the same stances I had already developed and or agreed with. My dilemma was the fact that I had ALREADY came to these conclusions! The book though filled with inspiring observations and practical advice provided no revelation for me. I thought to myself. I don't feel like I know very much. But these are all conclusions that I have come to in my life. These are already principles by which I live. And then I thought. Either there is another level of understanding that I need to get to, or it's time for me to DIE. (I'm dramatic don't judge me.)

So, I'm still listening for God to speak to me. I am still tapping into my spirit to search what knowledge I already have. Still searching...