New Game Plan

A war between my heart and my mind continues. I think it's high time my mind prevails. You can only follow the heart so long, garner the same results, and continue to take the same course of action. It's time I take a logical approach, because the heart wants what it wants, but it doesn't always work out.

It's time for me to do what I do best. Come up with a systematic, well thought out plan. A plan that will hopefully lead to the freedom I want/need to be truly happy. Can a heart that's been broken countless times even love and find happiness? I don't know but it's time to find out.

Wow

My emotions have surfaced and are very raw friends. I'm not even sure what to do with them right now. I need a still quiet place with no hope of retreat anytime soon. Send me positive thoughts and good vibrations please xoxo....

Overflow

So many of my posts over the past year have been laced with strife. I am so relieved to be in a place of manifold blessings right now! Life has it's ups and downs. We all spend time in the valley, and on the mountain top. Your struggles and disappointments make the good times so much sweeter. I am filled with nothing short of gratitude and elation in this moment. Today's club accomplishments and victories were the bonuses of the favorable place we find ourselves in these days. Goals are being accomplished. Visions are coming to pass. The foundation of a legacy is being sured up. Our "gifts are making room for us" just as we can expect. Be blessed friends I KNOW I am :)

A Series of Boxes

It's wondrous to think that a person's life can be so often be reduced to a series of boxes. Collecting memories and experiences has become more important to me than collecting tangible objects. But that doesn't mean that I don't recognize, that when my life form is reduced to little more than a vapor, the material things I leave behind will be what many people will remember me for. I hope to have amassed a few things that are intriguing to the average eye. Living a life of purpose means obtaining objects that hopefully tell the story of the life you built. 

But as I fill these boxes I continue to see and understand that what has been important in the past is much less important now. When it's time to gather those objects that  matter most, I am in awe of what things transition with me. Who I am, is not who I was. Who I will become is a mystery. An exciting prospect considering I spent so many years trying to become who I wanted to be. It appears I will become who I am supposed to be. I appreciate the feedback of those around me who observe my life principles. I'm learning to accept what is laid before me. I'm on a quest to seek knowledge and wisdom in any given circumstance. By opening myself up to the life intended for me, I now experience less drama, less sorrow, less stress, more love, more peace, and more happiness. There's less of everything I have struggled to avoid, and more of everything I always sought. 

The results are manifesting into the physical realm of the "things" you see around me. I hope my story to those who will judge me by what they see after I am no more, represents a woman they would have wanted to know. A woman that they can learn from even though she is not there to pass on advice or examples. Blessings friends...live well xoxo.

Pause

Sooooo this is me trying to collect myself this afternoon before going to work. I've got 4 kids in 4 schools this year. Just getting everyone out the door in the morning is a three and a half hour process! The madness that is my life right now, refuses to allow me to find an organized rhythm. I've got at least 4 amazing blogs bouncing around in my scull that I don't have time to write. Apparently I had time for a photo shoot though. It took at least 10 attempts to capture an image that didn't make me look like death warmed over :) As crazy as things are, I am constantly amazed as disappointments are transformed into blessings.  God's hand is in my life. When I can't rejoice for my circumstances I can at least give Him thanks for answering my most common petition. "Lord bless my mess!"

So "life goes on" as I often say. Many of my challenges and struggles remain the same. I wait patiently for resolve and resolution. I have been wracking my brain on words to share since the passing of my birthday. I am nothing short of excited with the passing of each year. Not because it's my day. Not because I am celebrated. I am happy because to me it symbolizes my opportunity to grow. I want to be more knowledgeable, mature, and effective..... continually. I want to have my life together, and live well. I want to love the life I live. I am actively seeking happiness and satisfaction. These are all things I've said before. My birthday is reminder of all of those things, and an opportunity to assess where I am in the process.

I am happy to report I am settling into many of my self assigned roles and goals nicely. I'm also extremely nervous about other goals I have set. But I am determined to press forward, and work towards them. If I am in fact on the correct path, I expect the kinks and challenges are either opportunities for me to grow, or they are meant lead me in another direction. So I wait, though I continue to live and plan. The biggest point of growth in my life right now is my adaptation to flexibility. It's actually not as horrible a trait as I originally thought. I am out of my comfort zone when it comes to thinking and living more flexible. But I think it will be my saving grace since etching life in stone leave a person with little alternative than to scrap things and start all over when things don't go according to plan.

At any rate. I look forward to moving ahead with the greatest life partner I could have ever asked for. Additionally, I have my amazing supportive friends who have been in my life longer than any of them were strangers to me. They provide insight and clarification with a level of devotion and love that is second to none.  As I look back over my life, I realize it's been more good than bad. Subsequently, my best days are ahead of me. What an exciting thought!

Birthday Blog (almost)

I'm another year older. I feel about 100 years wiser. The bottom line is, I'm happy :) I even checked in black and white. Remember that blog? Anyway time restraints and celebrations hinder me from writing my thoughts right now. I'm looking forward to sitting down and allowing myself a cathartic release. That's what productive, mature, seasoned women do right? Stay tuned!

Just Wait 'Til Tomorrow

I absolutely love this quote. In fact I love this truth in general. It's attributed to a famous poet here. But I think the first time it was relayed to me was in the story of Little Orphan Annie, when she sang the song Tomorrow. It's a principle for living I'm thankful I came across at a young age. I can't tell you how many times my dramatic ass has stared out the window and sang those lyrics :)

I heard in a sermon one day, that the best advice you can give a suicidal person is: "Wait three days." Apparently, amongst suicide intervention techniques, if a person is willing to follow this advice, time and perspective drastically reduce the rate of death. Time has become a better friend to me than I ever thought possible. With the passage of time my perspective and understanding become so much clearer. In the age of instant gratification, learning the "art of waiting" is difficult. But for me it has drastically reduced my self destructive tendencies. I may always be my worst critic. But I don't want to live a life of self loathing and destruction. The longer I live, the more I internalize that I have worthwhile contributions to make to the people I love, and people who cross my path.

So I do my best to live in the present, whilst striking the balance of planning for the future. I remind myself that the past is over, and all I am obligated to drag forward with me are the lessons learned, and valuable experience I've gained. 

My Pleasant Surprise

Life hasn't been beating me up, but it sure has been wearing me down. Every time I sit down to write, I am pulled away. I'd be foolish to complain. Most of my circumstances, and upcoming developments are positive ones. However, some circumstances are devastatingly negative. The culmination of fast sweeping change, and negative challenges has a tendency to wear a person historically resistant to change, down. I think I do a good job most days of staying focused and productive. Yesterday wasn't one of those days.

By about my fourth hour in bed last evening, I was whisked from my room. My husband had made a late night call to a local sushi place. With kids in bed or out for the evening, he spread a blanket, poured a huge glass of red wine, and we had a picnic. If I've said it once, I've said it one thousand times, I hope everyone has an opportunity to love like this in their lifetime. It's the kind of love you feel unworthy of. The kind of love allows you forget every stress and worry in the world...if only for a little while. It heals you.

Have a great weekend friends. Find someone to love on. Be well xoxo

Happily Ever After

Happily Ever After....this is the self titled them of my life. After what? You might ask. After every setback and disappointment, after every bump in the road, after ever monkey wrench that is thrown into my plans, "Happily Ever After" is the impetus of my resolve to move forward from what has gone differently than what I hoped or expected. It is the resolve to accept, and even enjoy where I find myself instead.

I just celebrated my wedding anniversary with my husband. Our plans, and time spent were amazingly special.  I remember the look in my husband's eyes the day we married. I remember the look in his eyes as I lay on my deathbed. He LOVES me. Our marriage, and our lives are not perfect. But we are finally on a path that we are forging together. I picture us with machetes in hand, carving out a path, working together, helping each other, supporting each other, inspiring each other. It's not easy, it's not always fun, but shared hope, and dreams, and combined desires motivate us.

We can be in a loveless place and know love exists. I am a witness to that. It is the hope of getting back to my source that has sustained me through loveless times. I am finally learning how to better love those that are open and available to love me. I have learned more about what love is (and what it is not) in the past several months, than I obtained in 30 years prior to that. My first several years of life, I knew all I needed to know about love. My six year old daughter is a reminder to me of who I used to be. How I used to love. The love of a child un-jaded and innocent is one of the most precious commodities on the face of the Earth. I remember loving as she loves now. It's so simple, free, pure, and uncomplicated. To be less complex and able to love as such again would be wonderful. But times marches on. Life becomes more complicated. Hearts get bruised, broken, even shattered. And so we acclimate. My saving grace has been inspired by the very breath of God. To feel a loving connection that He is so obviously wrapped up in. To understand that real love is sourced thru Him, and that it is perfect, is the only thing that prevented me from giving up on love all together.

I have had foundational blocks of my beliefs, and dreams ripped away from me. But I've had a revelation, that as long as the cornerstone of who I am remains in tact, I will be ok. I can rebuild. I can be made better. This revelation left me to soul search. Who am I? At the very foundation of my essence, what am I made of? What was I made for? The answer to that question alone, though I have changed as an individual, though vehicles by which I have performed my purpose over the years has changed... that cornerstone, the very ideal of what I was created to be and do has remained the same. An understanding that was so clear to me as an innocent young girl, still rings true in my soul presently. I was created to love others. Anyone who knows me best, already knows that. Anyone that loves me back will attest to it.

 I write these words without pomp and circumstance, without arrogance or piety. We all think we know what love it to some degree. It is life, and it is greif. Love is pleasure, and it is pain. It's not nearly as glamorous as those ignorant of real love portray it to be. But there is one fact that is paramount. It's much larger than the individual whom is love's conduit.

Spring Break Hiaku

I hear geese outside

Screaming in complete horror

This is snow where's Spring

19

Nineteen years passes in the blink of an eye... Finally I think of you, and am at peace... My first love. Not gone not forgotten.... I've got HEAVEN right here on Earth.

The 1st words to my conscience this morning: "I will never leave or forsake you."

Words straight from MY SOURCE. I feel like going on. That's all the motivation I need. Have a blessed day friends. Live well...xoxo.

Amen

These are constant prayers of mine. My journey of self improvement continues. I am grateful for the advances I've made. Lately I'm impressing myself at how I respond to challenges that come my way. My resolve to press forward and live my best life, takes deeper roots everyday. Getting to know yourself after making a change is an amazing journey. I am stronger and braver than I ever could have imagined. Blessings friends...live well.

Why I Write

I have found sitting behind a keyboard to express myself more useful than speaking millions of words. I grew up with very little opportunity to express myself emotionally. My parents are servants at heart and full of love. But they have always had a tendency to show their love through actions and not words. I carry much of the same trait myself.

I have come across some wonderful communicators in my day. I admire and to some extent envy them. The ability to speak openly from the heart and let someone know exactly who you feel, is definitely not something that comes naturally to me. It has been nice to connect with people who worked hard to help me develop that characteristic. I think I do have a way with words. But here's the thing about me: I have to trust you implicitly in order to speak freely from my heart. Those who know me best probably don't even recognize this is a struggle for me. I am open, honest, detailed, graphic, and passionate in my communication. But you could have known me for most of my life and get little more than jovial sarcasm, and pleasantries from me, if you're not in my inner circle. It's even worse if I don't trust you. I may as well be a social mute. Insight into my mind and heart will not be granted. I am self described "nice" but not necessarily "friendly". I am not on a quest to socially isolate someone, but I am also not on a quest to make friends either.

 So dearly and purely do I love those in my inner sanctum. But I am hard pressed to add to the list. I have loved and trusted them all for so long. I have no intention of every letting go of  "my people". I have even less ambition to add to said circle. We all come across people who intrigue us. Who we want to sit and chat with. To understand more about them and their perspective in the world. But I have not added anyone new to my list of true friendships in years. You never know what kind of special connection you can make with someone if you don't occasionally take a risk. It's humbling to me, when someone thinks I am interesting and wants to cultivate a deeper relationship. In 15 years or so there are only about 5 people I have taken a risk on. Not all of them made the cut. However, one of them I am now happily married to.

Things change when I sit down with a keyboard. It's an opportunity for me to pour out everything my tongue is unwilling to say. I feel so unfettered. It's almost like an opportunity to be more of who I am. More of who I want someone to know. I'm trying to understand why I operate this way. Is it cowardice? I don't think so. I'm not one who shies away form conflict if it absolutely has to be dealt with. Is it a control issue? Again I don't think so. I am told pretty often that I have excellent communications skills. I always enjoyed Active Listening lessons in both Psychology and Communications courses during my college years. I don't have to control the pace or content of a conversation. I think it all boils down to issues with intimacy. I am intimate with very few people. I like it that way. Because I don't know how to do anything less than love family and friends with my whole heart.

When I sit down to write, I do very little editing. What I write is what I am feeling in that moment. It's a snapshot into my brain, or my heart, or my soul. But I think I have really fine tuned the ability to expose only what I want someone to know in the midst of that communication. It gives me the chance to titrate just the right about if openness or intimacy if you will that seems appropriate for a given circumstance.I can give someone all of the words, with just the right amount of personal exposure. I must say it's been wonderful in allowing me to express myself positively and appropriately. I hope to continue cultivating this craft. I feel confident that writing will prove to be one thing that will allow me to reap benefits both personally and professionally in the future.

A Valentines PSA

I look at the picture below and hope that's where I'm heading with my lover. He is the only man in the whole wide world who has ever truly loved me. It turns out, ONE was all I needed. So on Valentine's Day and every other day, I thank God for restoring my faith that Real Love does exist. My heart is full of gratitude. A broken woman who took so long to understand what love is...what it means, was gifted with unconditional love. A gift from God expressed through man.

Friends whether you have that right now or not, don't take it for granted when it finally comes your way. More importantly, don't ever settle for anything less. We all deserved to be loved. Love yourself enough to walk away from anyone who does not love you. You won't regret it. Don't be distracted by dysfunction. Don't let the baggage of your past clutter your heart. Get rid of it so the love you are meant to give and receive can flourish and grow. I can attest to the fact that it is worth it.

Love and peace to you my friends, on today and everyday. Xoxo

Back here....again

I recall a conversation with my oldest friend when we were around 22 and 23. She and I have been friends since we were 2 and 3 years old. We talked about how different our world perspectives were at that time compared to when we were finishing high school. We had come to the realization that the world as we understood it would keep shifting...probably forever.

I can say without a doubt that the woman who sits here closer to 40, looks at the world much differently than the young lady who was closer to 20 when she had that conversation. For several years in between I hit a plateau. I have official come to the end of said plateau, and fallen over the edge. Here's the funny thing. Even thought I don't "know things" right now. I am fairly comfortable as I navigate and learn. I am blessed to have a wonderful husband who is figuring it out with me. I have a beautiful, soulful, spiritually mature best friend, and even my same girlfriend who I originally referenced. I am on the same page with the most important people in my life. And we continue to say "I don't know, but let's keep going and figure this out." That might not be as good as being at a high point in life. Those moments when everything is clicking and going right for you. But it's definitely an ok place to be. I'm ok. We're ok. Everything is going to be ok...

Words On A Page

Once upon a time I knew you

No words necessary I could read the look on your face

The touch of your hand said more than a thousand words could speak

But I don't know you anymore, nor you me

You have been reduced to words on a page

No larger are you flesh and bone

You've been reduced to letter signs

Loops and curves and lines that cathartically therapeutically exorcise the thought of you

Thought of the day

These were my opening thoughts for the day. I thought I'd share them. I think these are helpful general guiding principles. Stay encouraged friends!
When setting off on the path that will move you forward in life, use your rear mirror for its intended purpose. To see what's approaching, so you can respond accordingly. They're not for looking at what you left behind. Stay the course...no detours and U-turns.

Witness

I witnessed a miracle today. It was not a coincidence. It wasn't irony,  nor happenstance. I witnessed a flat out indisputable divine intervention. It's not a story for me to share. But it was definitely orchestrated for me to witness. It's a story that's about 20 years in the making. In the midst of so much personal toil, this was EXACTLY what I needed.

I believe in a power greater than myself (God). I believe in total surrendering myself to God when circumstances are beyond my ability to control. Witnessing the unfolding of today's events are a reminder of why that is the foundation of my belief system. So with faith increased and hope renewed, I feel like pressing forward.

What's It To You

One man's TRASH is another man's TREASURE

One man's DISAPPOINTMENT is another man's BLESSING

One man's DISTRACTION is another man's MOTIVATION

One man's IRRITANT is another man's ENTERTAINMENT

One man's COMMON is another is another man's PRECIOUS

One man's REGRET is another man's REWARD

One man's WHORE is another man's QUEEN

One man's TRASH is another man's TREASURE

Welp....

I figured out where all of my unrest was coming from. It was dread from the impending troubles that currently befall me. I'm literally being hit from several sides all at once. I am currently in the midst of those moments we prepare ourselves for. Those moments when you surrounded by a perplexity of undesirable circumstances. There is little for me to do other than try to find my way to the eye of the storm and roll with it. It's unwise for me to fight my way thru it seeing that nothing is in my control. Let's see if I can find the peace that the eye of the storm promises...

stock photo

I'm stressed but still sane. Send me prayers and positivity!

Photo credits to person unknown

Something Is Brewing

I am in the midst of some internal unrest. At this point, I'm not even sure what it's about. But, I am about to really dig deep and try to figure it out. Prayer, meditation, fasting, conversations with trusted confidants, whatever it takes. I will get to the root of what's going on. Stay tuned maybe it will be expressed in poetry, or pictures, or a really candid write up...time will tell...

Forward and Free

I find myself moving on to my next level of progress. It's been a while since I came to the revelation that it's time to move forward in many areas of my life. It was a much needed transition, and it has been an overwhelmingly positive journey this far. I have moved beyond processing past baggage. I've let go of regrets, guilt, and the emotions that accompany them. I can't remember a time in my adult life when I have felt this level of peace.

I also feel something that I have always maintained was a constant for me has changed. I used to tell people that if you knew me in the past, you know me still. The foundation of who I am is the same. I can say with certainty that I am no longer the same person. I am ok with that. I am actually happy about it. I needed to change. I'll be better for the transitions I am making mentally, spiritually, and even physically. I am looking forward to learning more about what I am capable of. 

The Queen of Emotion had an additional revelation a couple of days ago. If I am moving forward mentally, then why and I holding on to possession that tie me to my past. I've had the tendency to assign sentiment to even the most mundane of objects. I was not ready for a visit from a reality TV intervention specialist. But it was definitely time to let go of 20 plus years of baggage that I had assigned so much sentimental value and worth to. I am not living in the past. I am not attached to my past. Why was I holding on to so many artifacts from the past? I had no valid reason to hold on to so many things associated to a past that I have let go of. I have life lessons good and bad and scars physical and mental that I will carry with me forever. A couple of journals, a few photos, and momentos from the most significant events in my life will suffice. 

 Removing the physical items that were associated with things I have already let go of should have been a no brainer. But, I have been tripping over them and looking at them for so long that I almost didn't even see them any more. A strange thing happened as I began to purge these ancient artifacts. I began to feel more and more happy. My spirit felt freer and lighter. The more I cleaned and removed these old symbols of importance and sentiment the better I felt. I was smiling and throwing things away simultaneously. There is no emotion tied to an artifact of a past event you have moved on from. Hence there is no stress or upset in letting those things go.

Those 2 bags I originally took a picture of when I decided to blog this, actually multiplied. I bagged some things to donate. I hope someone finds them useful. I imagine they will go on assign their own personal totally different meaning and sentiment to it. Other things, even if they were functional and perhaps could be of use went straight into the trash. It is time for those things to rot and decompose. I will take comfort in knowing everything associated with it is over. That statement may read as aggressive or angry. I feel none of that as I type. I simply mean to say some things need to come to an end and everything associated with it should go away also.  

I don't know why it took me so long to figure out that I needed to purge my environment in accompaniment with moving forward in life. Nonetheless I won't spend time fretting or over-analzing. It all happened as it should. I have heard that you can't be open to obtaining new things if you're still holding on to something. I have watched things that I am working on and towards have fallen in line as such. I think there is validity and truth to that statement. It's really blowing my mind. As good as I feel while I am awake, I must admit I am having crazy vivid unrestful dreams. I will do the research on them and try to figure out what they mean. But I am resolute in my path, and happy to be on it. 

Cabin Fever

As temperatures dip dangerously low across the Midwest and East Coast, I like many other typically busy people find myself feeling a bit of cabin fever. I've made breakfast and dinner. Sorted two loads of laundry. Cleaned my bedroom. And started organizing my daughter's room.

But I need to bust this popsicle stand! I gotta get out of here. The snow has subsided. The snow plow and salt truck have made their way down my side street. My son and I have brainstormed outing possibilities. He'd prefer to go skating. Mrs. Shopaholic can hear the clearance racks seductively calling my name.

For those of you who share my conundrum, stay warm...and stay safe.