Friday, November 7, 2014
It's time for me to do what I do best. Come up with a systematic, well thought out plan. A plan that will hopefully lead to the freedom I want/need to be truly happy. Can a heart that's been broken countless times even love and find happiness? I don't know but it's time to find out.
Wednesday, October 22, 2014
Saturday, October 11, 2014
Sunday, October 5, 2014
Tuesday, September 2, 2014
Sooooo this is me trying to collect myself this afternoon before going to work. I've got 4 kids in 4 schools this year. Just getting everyone out the door in the morning is a three and a half hour process! The madness that is my life right now, refuses to allow me to find an organized rhythm. I've got at least 4 amazing blogs bouncing around in my scull that I don't have time to write. Apparently I had time for a photo shoot though. It took at least 10 attempts to capture an image that didn't make me look like death warmed over :) As crazy as things are, I am constantly amazed as disappointments are transformed into blessings. God's hand is in my life. When I can't rejoice for my circumstances I can at least give Him thanks for answering my most common petition. "Lord bless my mess!"
Monday, July 28, 2014
I am happy to report I am settling into many of my self assigned roles and goals nicely. I'm also extremely nervous about other goals I have set. But I am determined to press forward, and work towards them. If I am in fact on the correct path, I expect the kinks and challenges are either opportunities for me to grow, or they are meant lead me in another direction. So I wait, though I continue to live and plan. The biggest point of growth in my life right now is my adaptation to flexibility. It's actually not as horrible a trait as I originally thought. I am out of my comfort zone when it comes to thinking and living more flexible. But I think it will be my saving grace since etching life in stone leave a person with little alternative than to scrap things and start all over when things don't go according to plan.
At any rate. I look forward to moving ahead with the greatest life partner I could have ever asked for. Additionally, I have my amazing supportive friends who have been in my life longer than any of them were strangers to me. They provide insight and clarification with a level of devotion and love that is second to none. As I look back over my life, I realize it's been more good than bad. Subsequently, my best days are ahead of me. What an exciting thought!
Sunday, June 8, 2014
I'm another year older. I feel about 100 years wiser. The bottom line is, I'm happy :) I even checked in black and white. Remember that blog? Anyway time restraints and celebrations hinder me from writing my thoughts right now. I'm looking forward to sitting down and allowing myself a cathartic release. That's what productive, mature, seasoned women do right? Stay tuned!
Wednesday, May 21, 2014
Saturday, May 3, 2014
By about my fourth hour in bed last evening, I was whisked from my room. My husband had made a late night call to a local sushi place. With kids in bed or out for the evening, he spread a blanket, poured a huge glass of red wine, and we had a picnic. If I've said it once, I've said it one thousand times, I hope everyone has an opportunity to love like this in their lifetime. It's the kind of love you feel unworthy of. The kind of love allows you forget every stress and worry in the world...if only for a little while. It heals you.
Have a great weekend friends. Find someone to love on. Be well xoxo
Tuesday, April 8, 2014
I just celebrated my wedding anniversary with my husband. Our plans, and time spent were amazingly special. I remember the look in my husband's eyes the day we married. I remember the look in his eyes as I lay on my deathbed. He LOVES me. Our marriage, and our lives are not perfect. But we are finally on a path that we are forging together. I picture us with machetes in hand, carving out a path, working together, helping each other, supporting each other, inspiring each other. It's not easy, it's not always fun, but shared hope, and dreams, and combined desires motivate us.
We can be in a loveless place and know love exists. I am a witness to that. It is the hope of getting back to my source that has sustained me through loveless times. I am finally learning how to better love those that are open and available to love me. I have learned more about what love is (and what it is not) in the past several months, than I obtained in 30 years prior to that. My first several years of life, I knew all I needed to know about love. My six year old daughter is a reminder to me of who I used to be. How I used to love. The love of a child un-jaded and innocent is one of the most precious commodities on the face of the Earth. I remember loving as she loves now. It's so simple, free, pure, and uncomplicated. To be less complex and able to love as such again would be wonderful. But times marches on. Life becomes more complicated. Hearts get bruised, broken, even shattered. And so we acclimate. My saving grace has been inspired by the very breath of God. To feel a loving connection that He is so obviously wrapped up in. To understand that real love is sourced thru Him, and that it is perfect, is the only thing that prevented me from giving up on love all together.
I have had foundational blocks of my beliefs, and dreams ripped away from me. But I've had a revelation, that as long as the cornerstone of who I am remains in tact, I will be ok. I can rebuild. I can be made better. This revelation left me to soul search. Who am I? At the very foundation of my essence, what am I made of? What was I made for? The answer to that question alone, though I have changed as an individual, though vehicles by which I have performed my purpose over the years has changed... that cornerstone, the very ideal of what I was created to be and do has remained the same. An understanding that was so clear to me as an innocent young girl, still rings true in my soul presently. I was created to love others. Anyone who knows me best, already knows that. Anyone that loves me back will attest to it.
I write these words without pomp and circumstance, without arrogance or piety. We all think we know what love it to some degree. It is life, and it is greif. Love is pleasure, and it is pain. It's not nearly as glamorous as those ignorant of real love portray it to be. But there is one fact that is paramount. It's much larger than the individual whom is love's conduit.
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
Saturday, March 15, 2014
Monday, March 10, 2014
Friday, February 28, 2014
These are constant prayers of mine. My journey of self improvement continues. I am grateful for the advances I've made. Lately I'm impressing myself at how I respond to challenges that come my way. My resolve to press forward and live my best life, takes deeper roots everyday. Getting to know yourself after making a change is an amazing journey. I am stronger and braver than I ever could have imagined. Blessings friends...live well.
Friday, February 21, 2014
I have come across some wonderful communicators in my day. I admire and to some extent envy them. The ability to speak openly from the heart and let someone know exactly who you feel, is definitely not something that comes naturally to me. It has been nice to connect with people who worked hard to help me develop that characteristic. I think I do have a way with words. But here's the thing about me: I have to trust you implicitly in order to speak freely from my heart. Those who know me best probably don't even recognize this is a struggle for me. I am open, honest, detailed, graphic, and passionate in my communication. But you could have known me for most of my life and get little more than jovial sarcasm, and pleasantries from me, if you're not in my inner circle. It's even worse if I don't trust you. I may as well be a social mute. Insight into my mind and heart will not be granted. I am self described "nice" but not necessarily "friendly". I am not on a quest to socially isolate someone, but I am also not on a quest to make friends either.
So dearly and purely do I love those in my inner sanctum. But I am hard pressed to add to the list. I have loved and trusted them all for so long. I have no intention of every letting go of "my people". I have even less ambition to add to said circle. We all come across people who intrigue us. Who we want to sit and chat with. To understand more about them and their perspective in the world. But I have not added anyone new to my list of true friendships in years. You never know what kind of special connection you can make with someone if you don't occasionally take a risk. It's humbling to me, when someone thinks I am interesting and wants to cultivate a deeper relationship. In 15 years or so there are only about 5 people I have taken a risk on. Not all of them made the cut. However, one of them I am now happily married to.
Things change when I sit down with a keyboard. It's an opportunity for me to pour out everything my tongue is unwilling to say. I feel so unfettered. It's almost like an opportunity to be more of who I am. More of who I want someone to know. I'm trying to understand why I operate this way. Is it cowardice? I don't think so. I'm not one who shies away form conflict if it absolutely has to be dealt with. Is it a control issue? Again I don't think so. I am told pretty often that I have excellent communications skills. I always enjoyed Active Listening lessons in both Psychology and Communications courses during my college years. I don't have to control the pace or content of a conversation. I think it all boils down to issues with intimacy. I am intimate with very few people. I like it that way. Because I don't know how to do anything less than love family and friends with my whole heart.
When I sit down to write, I do very little editing. What I write is what I am feeling in that moment. It's a snapshot into my brain, or my heart, or my soul. But I think I have really fine tuned the ability to expose only what I want someone to know in the midst of that communication. It gives me the chance to titrate just the right about if openness or intimacy if you will that seems appropriate for a given circumstance.I can give someone all of the words, with just the right amount of personal exposure. I must say it's been wonderful in allowing me to express myself positively and appropriately. I hope to continue cultivating this craft. I feel confident that writing will prove to be one thing that will allow me to reap benefits both personally and professionally in the future.
Friday, February 14, 2014
I look at the picture below and hope that's where I'm heading with my lover. He is the only man in the whole wide world who has ever truly loved me. It turns out, ONE was all I needed. So on Valentine's Day and every other day, I thank God for restoring my faith that Real Love does exist. My heart is full of gratitude. A broken woman who took so long to understand what love is...what it means, was gifted with unconditional love. A gift from God expressed through man.
Friends whether you have that right now or not, don't take it for granted when it finally comes your way. More importantly, don't ever settle for anything less. We all deserved to be loved. Love yourself enough to walk away from anyone who does not love you. You won't regret it. Don't be distracted by dysfunction. Don't let the baggage of your past clutter your heart. Get rid of it so the love you are meant to give and receive can flourish and grow. I can attest to the fact that it is worth it.
Love and peace to you my friends, on today and everyday. Xoxo
Tuesday, February 4, 2014
I recall a conversation with my oldest friend when we were around 22 and 23. She and I have been friends since we were 2 and 3 years old. We talked about how different our world perspectives were at that time compared to when we were finishing high school. We had come to the realization that the world as we understood it would keep shifting...probably forever.
I can say without a doubt that the woman who sits here closer to 40, looks at the world much differently than the young lady who was closer to 20 when she had that conversation. For several years in between I hit a plateau. I have official come to the end of said plateau, and fallen over the edge. Here's the funny thing. Even thought I don't "know things" right now. I am fairly comfortable as I navigate and learn. I am blessed to have a wonderful husband who is figuring it out with me. I have a beautiful, soulful, spiritually mature best friend, and even my same girlfriend who I originally referenced. I am on the same page with the most important people in my life. And we continue to say "I don't know, but let's keep going and figure this out." That might not be as good as being at a high point in life. Those moments when everything is clicking and going right for you. But it's definitely an ok place to be. I'm ok. We're ok. Everything is going to be ok...
Friday, January 24, 2014
Monday, January 20, 2014
When setting off on the path that will move you forward in life, use your rear mirror for its intended purpose. To see what's approaching, so you can respond accordingly. They're not for looking at what you left behind. Stay the course...no detours and U-turns.
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
I witnessed a miracle today. It was not a coincidence. It wasn't irony, nor happenstance. I witnessed a flat out indisputable divine intervention. It's not a story for me to share. But it was definitely orchestrated for me to witness. It's a story that's about 20 years in the making. In the midst of so much personal toil, this was EXACTLY what I needed.
I believe in a power greater than myself (God). I believe in total surrendering myself to God when circumstances are beyond my ability to control. Witnessing the unfolding of today's events are a reminder of why that is the foundation of my belief system. So with faith increased and hope renewed, I feel like pressing forward.
One man's DISAPPOINTMENT is another man's BLESSING
One man's DISTRACTION is another man's MOTIVATION
One man's IRRITANT is another man's ENTERTAINMENT
One man's COMMON is another is another man's PRECIOUS
One man's REGRET is another man's REWARD
One man's WHORE is another man's QUEEN
One man's TRASH is another man's TREASURE
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
|Photo credits to person unknown|
Sunday, January 12, 2014
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
Friday, January 3, 2014
As temperatures dip dangerously low across the Midwest and East Coast, I like many other typically busy people find myself feeling a bit of cabin fever. I've made breakfast and dinner. Sorted two loads of laundry. Cleaned my bedroom. And started organizing my daughter's room.
But I need to bust this popsicle stand! I gotta get out of here. The snow has subsided. The snow plow and salt truck have made their way down my side street. My son and I have brainstormed outing possibilities. He'd prefer to go skating. Mrs. Shopaholic can hear the clearance racks seductively calling my name.
For those of you who share my conundrum, stay warm...and stay safe.