Revelation---> Elimination---> Elevation

I had a cool dream last night. I found myself in my childhood bedroom. It's a space I claimed as my own until I was 20 years old. I loved that room. It was extremely spacious. It had two windows with lots of natural light. My closet what huge. I was able to crawl out of one of the windows and sit on the roof of the patio below. It was just a fantastic place and space for a girl and young woman to grow up.  Important things took place in that room. I had many happy experiences and plenty of sad ones as well. But all things considered, it was for many years my safe space as well as one of my favorite places to be. 

Last night I dreamt that I was packing up that room. In all actuality I packed up that room in 1999. In 2001 when I bought my first house I went and collected everything that held any semblance of sentiment and took it to my own home. This wasn't about packing any specific things. In fact, I didn't really want any tangible items. This was much more about disconnecting myself from the room, and preparing it for someone else. It was about releasing claim to what I once held as my own. 

Interestingly enough I was happy and excited about the process. I was very much enjoying myself. I decided to paint and decorate. I chose a color palate of pale gray and vibrant yellow. To me symbolism is everything so I of course had to look up the meaning of this during the course of readying my children for school this morning. You see...I woke up with a smile on my face as the alarm went off. I took this dream to mean that I am in a place where I finally feel safe and secure in this present life I'm building. I am feeling confident enough to let go of what has always been my safe space, my fallback, my safety net. I can now comfortably open my hand fully and let go of all of that, reach forward and grab onto what I have. 

The results are as follows: To dream of cleaning your bedroom may represent your choice to be more conservative or objective about a personal or private matter. Alternatively, it may reflect how you are getting your personal or private matters in order. To dream of light grey represents situations in your life that are less than terrible. You may be surprised that a bad situation hasn't gotten worse. Positively, a light grey may reflect acceptance of an alternative or that a problem wasn't as bad as you thought it would be. Lighter shades of grey may also represent the intuition. The color yellow in a dream represents noticing something happening or noticing yourself thinking in a certain way. Yellow animals, objects, or clothing all reflect beliefs, feelings, or situations in your life that you are aware of yourself having. Positively, the color yellow represents good luck or positive experiences that are automatic or happen effortlessly. Noticing yourself liking things or having an easy time.

I think that lines up fairly well with how I am feeling and what I thought. So pinky up...I lift my glass (it's a coffee mug it's 9 am lol) to the future and toast what lies ahead! Peace and love friends xoxo...

Cheers

Loose Love

Have you ever come across someone who will hit ya with an "I love you" as seamlessly and effortlessly as they breathe? People need to calm down with all of that loose love. It's not real. Please pass me a namaste. You see my spiritual element and can appreciate it? Yeah I can dig that. Let me look into your spiritual being and admire as well. Love...it's more than a notion and soooo much more than the empty habitual words some people throw around. Be careful with that. Make your words as special as love itself actually is. Word of advice: If you can't truly back those words up, leave them for the person who will truly do just that...

*Turns the page

I had the strangest occurrence this past week during my meditation. I was in the process of self examination and total honesty. In my meditative state I am 100% open with God about my feelings, my intentions, my actions, my hopes etc... I prefer to go through the disciple of going through the exercise of examining "my chakras". It's an opportunity to look at any spiritual or emotional baggage that may be interfering with my productivity and purpose.

This week as I was going through the 7 chakras I was a combination of surprised and confused that the baggage I have been working so hard to clear was...gone. I have spent so much time trying to keep my chakras clear of this clutter. I actually almost panicked at the feeling of emptiness that they were not there. What now?!?!? I thought. I am clear the clutter, and I am empty. I sat in shock before relief set in. I remembered my goal has been to remove everything that had dissipated.

When you're able to stand back and objectively look at situations, you realize everything is connected, and very little is happenstance. This all happens during the winding down of the course my life has been on for a season. Tomorrow marks the dawn of a new age. Life as I have known and become comfortable living it, is drawing to a close. I am starting a new chapter. My chakras are open and free so that I have room for new people, and new situations.

I have noticed that everything I have been open to receive has materialized lately. It's an exciting time and I am open to the growth, abundance, and success that is on it's way to me. I solicit love, light and prayers as the new phase of my life unfolds. Peace and love friends xoxo...

Happy Anniversary

Today marks the 1 year anniversary in our new home. I have loved everyday here! My husband and I drove through our old neighborhood yesterday. That house looks great. The new owners are taking great pride in it. As much as I loved that house, we both agree making a move was for the best. 

As nostalgic as I am, I was able to let go of my attachment. The one thing I noticed was that as much as I loved the old place, the house I grew up in always felt like "home". But now that we moved, THIS house feels like home. Because of that, I wake up every single day feeling happy, secure, safe, cozy, and content. All of those things confirm we made the right choice.

 I remember a conversation I had with my aunt years ago. Her daughter seemed to have trouble settling. She moved around from state to state. When things didn't work out, she would move back to town regroup, and try to move away again. There's nothing wrong with moving away and living in a different geographic area where people talk, dress, eat, and even think a little different. We've all got to figure out where we fit in, and our purpose. But my aunt made a valid point. You can move to the other side of the globe. Wherever you are, you'll still be YOU. We have to settle in our hearts and minds who we are and what we want. Then and only then can we set out on a path that will bring us peace and joy. I am still finding my way. But my soul tells me, I'm definitely on the right path. Peace and love friends xoxo...

A Quitter SOMETIMES Wins

A Quitter Never SOMETIMES Wins

I recently watched a movie about a group of executives working on Wall Street. They were a very tough motivated brainy group. These individuals spent their time trying to stay one step ahead of the market, their competitors, their clients, and even each other. The relationships with their clients and one another were very calculated. Each person initiated into their group had to be capable of bringing a compatible skill set. And said skill set had to be mutually beneficial.

One particular scene that stood out in my mind was a game of cat and mouse in which one of the main characters was attempting to keep a client on hold and handle other business. The person sat there unhappy threatening to disconnect. He knew that he had been classified as less important. I thought to myself in that moment, he should totally hang up. This man was very careful with his decision. He wanted to see what would benefit him most. In other words was it advantageous for him to continue the relationship? Or was he so low on this brokers priority list that there was no benefit and him staying any longer.

I think these general principles can apply on a much larger scale. I believe that we must evaluate our relationships as they change. If it comes to a point in which you find yourself as a low priority to the other party is it worth it to continue the relationship? We know that as time goes on connections either strengthen or weaken. So it's important to evaluate where you are and what adjustments if any need to take place.

There's nothing worse than having someone attempt to force a friendship or relationship on you. I've been there in the past where people have tried to bulldoze their way into my life. It took some time, but I believe I've learned how to set boundaries with those I'm not interested in having a close personal relationship with. Likewise,  I've learned to read the cues of those who are not interested in developing a close relationship with me. Every so often I've misjudged when I've been placed in a seat lower importance in someone's life. However, I've learned to read those circumstances pretty well; even if someone is not comfortable being honest and admitting that their life or interests have taken a different direction than mine.

I can say with absolute certainty, in the end you'll never regret moving on from someone who didn't care for you as much as you care for them. In fact, it's a complete waste of time to put energy towards someone who doesn't particularly care about maintaining a relationship with you. All you're really doing is wasting your time, and distracting your self from being with people who actually value you.

So when you find yourself in the position as the gentleman from my original example, weighing the cost of whether you should hold on or disconnect, take your time and respond don't react. Make a mature decision. Sometimes it's best to hang it up. Sometimes you quit AND you win. Peace and love friends xoxo...

Signs

All the signs around me indicate I'm coming into an age of new beginnings. I've seen the blueprint. What an odd thing it is to see the things you've prayed so earnestly for materialize. To be truthful (I'm glad in this moment I have so little traffic to my blog lol) I've been afraid and trying to turn back. My accomplishments over the past few years are a source of pride for me. However, I'm still feeling a sense of lack. I know there is more that I can/should be doing. As opportunities have began to open up for me, completely new unforseen paths have emerged. They are paths I didn't see from a distance yet they are undeniably answers to prayers I have laid at God's feet. I found myself trying to revert back to the status quo. And every time new signs almost miraculous signs would show up. I came to a place where I was almost ready to shut everything that's in motion down. Low and behold more signs... I simply had to accept that it's time for me to start this new phase. Even if I feel fear, I'm going to forage ahead. So now I'm moving forward in faith with a positive attitude and expectations of great things happening.

Be The Change

I sat in an unrelenting obstacle course of rerouted construction yesterday. I was trying to get in line and make my ascension to the traffic light, yet no one would let me in line. I ended up going around and taking a different route. But the funny thing was, I wasn't angry, or even frustrated. I realized that I had no real expectation of anyone going out of their way for me.  

That's a sad fact, but it's very true. In my opinion I haven't been shown enough empathy. In general, I haven't been shown, an abundance of kindness or even love. And I realized that I'm not upset about it. I'm not even sad about it. Because, it seems to be the condition of the human race right now. I know my statements sound pessimistic, but that's now how I feel. I am simply pointing out things as I see and understand them.  It's difficult to be disenfranchised when you already have a low expectation. I applaud my friends and loved ones for delivering to me a caliber of love that is top echelon. I believe that is why I feel no lack. Though my circle be small, it is QUALITY.

I'm always so surprised to hear some of whom I believe by the nicest people show a complete lack of empathy for others of whom they cannot relate. Good-natured Christian people will hold an all night prayer service and ask God to intervene when a tropical storm or hurricane is headed to Florida. But somehow they fail to realize that it's ripped Haiti or the Dominican Republic apart in the midst of their praying for their fellow Americans. I'm trying very hard to be a citizen of the world. I don't want to be so small minded that the only people that I care for or relate to are the people in a very small circle that is proximate all to me. I'm not perfect and I certainly don't always move in love. But I'm trying to do better, be better, and give what it is that I know others need. 

I'm not novel. I'm not the only one with the these life experiences. The world is full of dysfunctional people. I don't think that people are inherently bad, we are just very damaged. And that is why I find it very hard to get angry about not getting an abundance of love, kindness, empathy, or specialized treatment. It's also made me resolve to try and be a person who gives all of the aforementioned things. Because I believe that we deserve them. Everyone deserves them. It can change the very course of one's life, and even the way they act towards others. We hear so often that the world is full of good people. I remember so many Bible lessons growing up in a fire and brimstone church that warned that our hearts are desperately wicked. I believe but the balance of truth concerning most individuals lies somewhere in between. There is good and bad and all of us. There is love and hatred and all of us. Quite naturally what we choose to embody from those characteristics are what often shines through. I will BE what it is that I want to see. Peace and love friends...xoxo

Suicide Prevention Week

It would be remiss of me to go this entire week without encouraging anyone who struggles with depression, or any mental illness that potentially leads to suicide. I've lost a relative to these tragic circumstances. I've seen the aftermath of yet another loved one who attempted the same fate. And to be frank I've had days when it was just damn hard to keep breathing myself.

Encouraging words don't always help. Sometimes medical or psychological assistance is needed. There's NO SHAME in that. If insulin is ok when your kidneys are malfunctioning. If contacts or glasses can correct your vision. If a couch and a conversation, or a pill to balance your brain chemistry will restore psychological balance...then go for it!

The world has much to offer. And YOU have much to offer the world. Stay with us. You are important. We need you. Peace and love xoxo...

Rest In Paradise

Laid to rest today is the shell of my beloved Aunt and mentor. I had to set aside time and space not to grieve her, for she lived the life she wanted to live on her own terms. But to honor her memory and reflect on the knowledge and wisdom she so readily shared.

She taught me in both word and deed to be your own best advocate. It's great to have a support group, but no one will ever have a greater vested interest in you THAN you. I learned that manners will take you farther than education, or in many cases even money. She taught me it's OK to walk around with a suite of armor. The world can be a cold cruel place. Protect yourself, just don't allow your heart to be hardened. Also, it's okay to mess up.  Nobody is perfect. Just don't stay in a mess. Learn from it and move on. One of the most important lessons I obtained is that secrets can destroy you from the inside out. Don't hold on to secrects. There is a difference between keeping people out of your business and living a life of secrecy. One is OK the other is not.

She and I have often been referred to by family members as steel magnolias. A trait she and I obtained from her mother/my grandmother. And for years we kept magnolias growing in our flower beds. Magnolias that had been started from the flowers that grew in my grandma's yard. It was symbolic, a reminder of who we are. And a tribute to the matriarch who influenced us.

As I sit here and share, all I can do is smile. There are few tears to shed for a life that chose to find and fulfill it's purpose. Rather it is to be celebrated.  Sure I'll miss the her, conversation and advice. I'll miss the nods of approval and her correction. But I will spirituality tune in for guidance to the same Spirit that made us kindred in the first place.

I willing accept the mantle that has been passed on to me. The mantle that comes with great responsibility. I will be that strong woman who lives with boldness and kindness. A woman who is hard and soft. One who is afraid...but bold enough to do what is needed even when I am afraid.

Cheers to a life well lived Auntie. Until we see each other again. Rest easy 💕

About Last Night

My love grabbed his camera in the spur of the moment last night and snapped a candid picture.  It was after 1 o'clock in the morning. We were sitting under the stars, talking, laughing, and enjoying a fire. Our eyes testify to the fatigue of the daily grind building our legacy. They may also speak to the libations we consumed 😄. But more than anything I see joy and love. It's a beautiful thing to be able to embrace those things from The One who kept hope alive that I would some day find balance and deliverance from a dark past that overshadowed my ability to walk in complete and total health and happiness. I wish for everyone a love like this. That builds, and hopes, and believes, and under grids, and WAITS. Sweet mercy a love that waits is worth holding onto... forever. Peace and love to you my friends xoxo...

Doin' Me

I'm probably the least competitive person you will ever meet. Not one shred of my being strives to compare myself or my life to anyone else's. For me it's always been about sitting down and figuring out exactly what I want in life, and crafting a plan to make it happen. I am fulfilled, satisfied, and happy when I accomplish things I've set out to do. It's not that I want to be disengaged from other people. I just recognize the path to personal fulfillment is just that... personal. Why would I wake up everyday at the butt-crack of dawn to workout because that's what Sally does? I'm not a morning person. I love fitness. I want to be healthy. But I, to put it lightly, am not a morning person...at...all.... In almost 40 years I've never been a morning person. I doubt that'll ever change. Right now I wake up pre-dawn to make my hard working amazing husband's lunch. Then I go back to bed. It's my commitment to my health and my discipline that drives me to set aside time to workout. More power to ya Sally girl for your 5 a.m excursions. If that's what you contribute your healthful success to, then hats off. But I'm a much happier and equally healthy person doing things My Way.

Question my ambition if you must, but I just don't see how rushing to complete the same actions as someone else can contribute to my happiness. Rushing to marry someone who doesn't love you whole heartedly just because you want to be married is nothing short of a recipe for disaster. Buying a house when you have a nomadic spirit is pointless.

It takes all types of people to make the world go 'round. People who are fueled by competition and comparisons to others may in fact be some of the most accomplished and in some aspects successful. But it still begs the question are you HAPPY?  All too often I don't here the answer yes. So I think I'll keep traipsing along doing my own thing. You'll find more successful individuals. You'll find those who do the same things that I do better than I can do it. But you'll be hard pressed to find anyone happier 😆. Peace and love friends...

Complicated

She loves the sunrise, the sunset, and the moon. 

She's Gemini, multiple, complex, born in June

She loves to indulge, moderation, and to fast.
One hand is stretched towards the future yet draws inspiration from her past.
She loves to run, jog and walk.
Strength and wisdom can be silence but also in talk.

She tumbles with the wind and is content therein.

She's complicated...

And Then...

And then..... I'm thinking about getting that as a tattoo, or at least framed to hang on my wall. They are currently my two favorite words. Uttering that phrase with an inferred elipsis is such a great reminder that life is a book comprised of chapters. A chapter may come to a close, however, that's not the end of your story. I may have touched on this subject before but "and then" is definitely additional illumination for me. I've been walking around saying it all day.

Our story is not over until our book comes to an end. Every circumstance, especially the uncomfortable ones, I lace with a proverbial "and then". It helps.... Peace and love friends xoxo

Idolatry

In the midst of watching a biography this evening I had a grand revelation. A woman was talking about how she was all but ready to stop truly living her life, because the person she loved most in the world was gone.

As I listened to her reason and justify why she didn't want to experience monumental rights of passage, I could relate. I'd been there before. I'm happy to say I've moved on from that disparaging point of view. Though I've worked so hard to heal, I can't say I ever understood how some of us get to that point whilst others are able to deal with similar situations and be fine.

Then it hit me. Love is not easy but love never fails. Though you may be left behind by a person, love still exists. You find another outlet, and can go on and find happiness again. It's idolizing someone that can cause serious damage. Once you understand the difference you can put people and things in their proper place.

As much as I write about and obsess over the importance of love, no part me wants to partake in idolatry. The weight of loss I've felt has been replaced with illumination and understanding. Surely I don't have full knowledge on this subject. I'm looking forward to my time in prayer and meditation for further insight. Peace and love friends xo...

Twenty Years Ago

My friend just forwarded me the information for our 20 year class reunion. I'm glad I'm typing this because I don't think I could utter those words out loud about myself lol. Don't get me wrong, I'm not in the throws of an impending midlife crisis. Yes, I may occasionally utter that 40 is the new 20, but that's because I can appreciate that many people are stepping up and living their best lives without the constructs of agism. The older I get the more inspiring it is. I am happy to embrace that thought, and way of life.

I've been reminiscing on where and who I was in the year nineteen hundred and ninety-five. To be honest and real my life was a complete and total mess. I was newly graduated, accepted to college, and holding a terrible shameful secret. It's information I have thought long and hard about sharing, but I've decided against it. I was just barely an adult, (and I use that term for legal purposes only 18 is pretty far from being a grown up in so many aspects), yet I had some very grown up decisions to make with only weeks to spare before leaving for college. I wish there were someone else with whom I could share culpability with when it comes to the choices I made. However, at the end of the day the choices were mine alone.

I remember sitting in a therapists office a couple of months after my entrance into university. My whole goal was to desperately find someone who could validate my actions. I needed someone to give me a REASON why I had made so many poor life choices. I needed someone to tell me that there was blame I could place squarely on the shoulders of someone else. That would be my saving grace. Those answers would be the magic pill that would relinquish me from all guilt. More vividly do I remember the dead cold clinical stare in her eyes as I reached our for help. I was to be little more than a case number. Perhaps if I was interesting enough  I'd be fodder for conversation over dinner and wine with a friend or lover. It was at that point I almost gave up all hope. I've never felt more defeated and less valuable in all of my life. To this day I am not sure what gave me the will to go any further with my life. Fear of death? A praying mother? A selfish will to live? I'm not exactly sure.

I can say this, the life I led and the decisions I made resulted in 20 years of second guessing myself. Cloaked in contrition and a quest for redemption, I have spent the majority of these past years trying to make up for my past shortfalls. There were literally years that passed in which for the most part, I was going thru the motions without actually living. If there is a silver lining it would be that time spent soul searching did give me a modicum of wisdom, as well as, an abundance of empathy that other take much longer to obtain.

It's been since I've settled comfortably in my 30's that I finally had a revelation that continually punishing myself for a past I cannot change was for lack of better words STUPID. I spent a good 15+ years not truly enjoying the life I was building. What a complete and total wast of time and life that was. Sure I loved my family to the best of my capacity. But it wasn't enough. Worse yet I was incapable of accepting love. Even worse yet, I resigned myself into believing that I was not truly worthy of receiving love.

One day I decided if I'm going to do this thing called LIFE, I might was well start living. Spending years in ministry and seeing people with similar or even worse pasts with me not just survive but thrive, gave me hope that moving on from a dark past is possible. For about 2 years now I have been completely consumed with letting go of everything that brings me shame and pain. It's been an amazing process.

I have learned there are no good excuses for my actions. There is no running away from my mistakes. I have to accept that I made poor choices. There's no way around it. I did bad things. I have learned that there are REASONS for every action, but that doesn't excuse you. There is no fixing some mistakes and you can't take them back. But I think the most important lesson I have learned is that almost nothing lasts forever. Those things, those actions, and those circumstances are OVER. It's DONE.

I was thinking about the phrase that nothing lasts forever. It was really resonating with me as I tried to find things to refute the concept. Everything I came up with COULD potentially have an end. Friendship, marriage, work, material things, are all at the very least temporal. Even if it is death that separates you from them. Legacies may last a long time. But eventually they are little more than a footnote in a book about the past, that is forgotten by modern men. The only thing that I could think of that lasts forever is love. It's the only thing that I can think of that transcends time and even death.

I have heard it said (and come to believe) that love is an energy. In my belief system love is based in spirit.  It swirls all around us and never leaves. If we allow it, that love can be shared with others open to accept it. So I hold on to the love that exists within me and that which has been offered. This has been both my saving grace and source for healing. I owe it all to the love I possess and that which has been so generously given to me. Though the list is small of those who have truly loved me to life, that coupled with what resides in me has been enough to heal and make the rest of my life what will be the best of my life.

Peace and love friends xoxo...

Taking Stock

Up in arms are my children that school will be starting again in less than a month. Where has the time gone? Where has this YEAR gone? I remember when the thought of the year 2015 seemed like some distant futuristic time where mankind would be living like The Jetsons. Yet here I am in the throws of life, a wife, a mother, a small business owner, a spiritualistic Christian (I could go on...). Here I sit a person who is spiraling towards 40 and still trying to figure life out. I am in some ways satisfied with where I am. Actively seeking wisdom and growth, I am open to the spiritual insights that I am convinced guide my path. However, I recognize I am a work in progress and forever will be. I guess that's sometimes hard to except... I will never arrive. I (we) must constantly grow, learn, and evolve. Therefore, it's the constant setting of goals, and working towards them that gives me a sense of accomplishment.

I had to sit down and take stock of those things that are currently important to me. Some of them are little things that lend to a higher quality of life than just existing. Others still are foundational, that will make me into the person I am meant to be. It's funny because some of the simplest things seem to be the hardest to achieve. As this year quickly approaches it's final quarter there are things that I want to be able to say that I am practitioner of. If I can roll into 2016 having accomplished them I will be ready to set new goals. I want to:

• Eat delicious healthy food regularly
• Drink strong wine that makes me smile and relax
• Be able to receive/accept the love that is given to me from people in my life
• Dispense unfettered love that is life changing to those I give it to
• Find that line between spontaneity and discipline that expresses who I am/was when I was younger
• Fine tune my business model for continual and added success
• Continue to distance and eliminate people who refuse to operate in the best interest of our mutual relationship
• Make passionate love that soothes my soul and brings me joy
• Continue to cultivate fulfilling relationships with my friends and loved ones
• Actively work on becoming a better mother
• Be disciplined in my personal development
• Be disciplined in taking time to relax and or have fun so that I can have an enjoyable quality of life

I feel as if I can do all of those things regularly, 2015 will have been a great year. I know a list like this will look different to everyone. I wonder if you have done the same thing. I wonder what others find important. I guess what's paramount is that anyone actively trying to live their best life actually set goals and then find a systematic way of achieving them. I wish all of you a life worth living, and a live well lived. Peace and love my friends xoxo.

Just Dance

I've got words swirling around inside. My tongue and my fingers fail me at the moment. I can't figure out what to write or say. It's deep. It's reflective. It would probably be understood by few. I'll try to express myself via yoga flow. If all else fails I'll just dance.

(I'm a horrible dancer there shall be no witnesses...😘)

Soul Stirring Pt.2

I remember one of my first incidents of Soul Stirring as I have come to call it. I lay in my bed completely restless. Every time I would try to drift off to sleep. I would feel this internal jolting sensation. It was so intense that I was physically jarred awake. After several hours, I got up and went to my father (he's a pastor) and asked him to come and bless my room. I was convinced there was a spirit in my room that was tasked to torment me.

He walked into my bedroom and began taking stock of the energy in the room. He paced and stood silent. He paced some more and mumbled inaudible silent prayers. All the while, I sat huddled on my bed waiting for him to do some serious ghost busting. After a few more moments he proclaimed the room was spirit free.
      "There's nothing in here. That's YOUR spirit that's feeling tormented," he stated.

That revelation hit me like a ton of bricks. He went on to counsel me. To explore just what it was that was troubling my soul. He went on to pray for me, and give me insight as to how I might find peace. What an unbelievable experience that was.

During that time I was dealing with a tremendous heartbreak. I had been devastated by someone whom I had earnestly cared for very deeply. I was in the process of trying to pick up the pieces of my life, and move forward. It is tough to realize that you are not loved by someone who you so desperately care for. It's even tougher to give up and try to redefine your future hopes and let go. I simply was not prepared for the higher level releases that need to take place when letting someone truly significant go. I understood emotional and mental connections and the unraveling thereof. Completely ignorant was I of the spiritual aspects.

Now I am older and wiser. I have more insight and understanding of spiritual things. When my soul starts stirring I make note, pray, meditate, hush and listen. I have made some important decisions lately. I have cut some ties with individuals who were comfortable treating me with a level of nonchalance that you don't treat people whom you love. It has stirred my soul to begin the path of forward momentum without them. It is my blessing and my curse to love hard. It is wisdom that dictates that I start expecting to be equally yolked with people who operate in a similar fashion.

I feel good about the changes I have made. I feel right in letting go. In turn focusing on those who do love me back has absolutely brought about increased joy, well being, and gratitude. I will take quality over quantity any day. It has become clear that love is not always a 2 way street. But relationships for damn sure better be, or there's no use of having one. Peace and love my friends xoxo...

Soul Stirring

At least that's what I call it. I really enjoyed last night's meditation. There are times when I can literally feel a shift or movement within my spiritual being. Last night was one of those nights. I'm not real sure what its about yet. My best friend came home for a visit and it was better than therapy. We unearthed so much during our conversations. I admitted things I NEVER thought I'd say out loud. Perhaps this is just the aftermath of that experience. But right now I'm quite sure what it's about. I wish I had time to sit and meditate and get some answers. But I've got busy plans for the weekend and it's time to get the ball rolling. I just have to remind myself that life for me is mostly good. Whilst preparing myself for future revelation. I'm open to the truth so I'll continue to accept whatever comes my way. As I so often find myself typing as I blog: stay tuned. Peace and love my friends.

You WILL Remember Me

You WILL remember me. My m.o. is to ensure that you do. I'm a lover. I find your wound and seek to nurse it to health. You WILL remember me. I'm a companion. I see your loneliness and strive to fill that space. You WILL remember me.  I see your sadness and work to deliver what brings you joy. You WILL remember me. Charity incarnate is who I was created to be. Loyalty is my middle name. Steadfastness gird my loins. If we separate, you pulled away. You pushed me away. When you are ready to acknowledge the void I worked hard to fill... you WILL remember me.

It Is What It Is...Or Is It?

"You're going to be fat. Your whole family is fat." "Cancer runs in your family. That's how you'll die too." "_______ runs in our family. There's no avoiding it."

I have always been disenfranchised and un-accepting of the words spoken to me of my impending future struggles in life. I acknowledge heredity and family history, predispositions exist. However when it comes to anything I do not willing accept, I steeled my mind to kick against the pricks and fight for a different outcome than what was expected.

I can't say that I am surprised at test results that I have received from my doctor lately. I will however say that I am disappointed. I have worked hard for different outcomes in my life than family history suggests. So a phone call asking me to come in for further testing due to negative results were most unwelcome.

My preparation to go back into the office to get my results was almost surreal. As I showered and readied myself to go, for a brief moment as I looked into the mirror I swore I saw my mother 20 years ago preparing herself in the same way. I did not see myself looking like my mother. I literally saw my mother. I can now relate to her feelings of trepidation. My respect for her ability to fight back fear and face things was solidified and gave me the strength I needed to press past my emotions and deal with my situation.

I still say it's better to not to accept that you MUST go the same course as relatives that go before you. I still contend that you use everything in your arsenal to set yourself up to live a high quality life. I still say that if you find yourself on the same inherent path that your elders have walked before you, take control and make independent decisions. However wisdom is teaching me that against all preparations and alterations you may still end up where you don't want to be. Face it. Deal with it. Then open both barrels and unload your entire cache of ammunition if you have to. Fight to live, and live to fight another day. Peace and love friends. 

7

Today we celebrated my daughter's 7th birthday! The transition from baby girl to big girl is inevitable. But with each passing year my heart is full of more gratitude than it was the year before. Most mom's experience bitter sweet emotions at the thought and sight of their ever growing children. I'll go so far as to admit I feel that way when I look at my boys. But this little miracle girl of mine produces much different feelings. Most people agree that conception and life itself is a miracle. But some instances produce wonders above and beyond an already blessed and beautiful event. My daughter's conception is one of the times in my life when God spoke to me. HE let me know not only that I was pregnant, but that SHE (I was informed that I was having a girl ) was being born to fulfill a specific devine purpose. Her journey her was full of struggle. A physical attack from an insane demonic woman, complications requiring monthly ultrasounds, and a dramatic emergency entrance that almost claimed both of our lives. "They" say, nothing good comes easy. I say truer words have never been spoken. So, every year when this date rolls around my heart is consumed with complete and total gratitude. I call her My Sunshine. She is an exceptional girl. We recently moved. Her transfer brought tears to the eyes of not only her friends, but her teacher, the school secretary, and even the principal. She's that beloved. This past Friday I had an opportunity to have a lengthy conversation with her new teacher. She went on to tell me how exceptional she thought My Sunshine is as well. She complimented our parenting skills at which point I had to concede. I wish I could take credit for all that she is, I admitted. But the fact of the matter is that, the special little person you see is just who SHE is. So as I wrap up this day and look across the room at my beautiful girl enjoying some of her new birthday treasures, I give thanks not only for a baby girl....I mean big girl who's growing up. I give thanks, acknowledge, and embrace the larger purpose which brought her here in the first place. I continue to yield myself as a guiding light who will usher her to a greater purpose for as long as God sees fit to use me. And I'll try to contain my excitement as I wait for said events to unfold. Peace and Love friends.

Challenge Accepted

My world was turned upside-down a few days ago. There's nothing like the sudden untimely death of a loved one to bring your world to a screeching halt. As fate would have it, this happened during a time when I'd already began taking stock of where I am with 2015's accomplishments and failures. I guess I can only be thankful that I was open mentally and spiritually to hear and accept all truths. When life throws you for a loop, and then jams leaving you hanging upside down, don't react to it. Accept it and then figure out the proper way to get yourself turned right side up again. So that's what I'm in the process of doing right now. I'm not going to struggle. I'm going to hang here and figure out the best way to move forward when I'm back on my feet. I trust the truths I'm leaning will only bless and enhance my future. After all death is a part of life. It's how you handle death and the aftermath thereof that matters. I'll be fine. I'll gain insight. Life will go on. And God knows I'll be grateful once I'm standing tall ready to proceed.

BOOM...Breakthrough

I've made enough mistakes for 2 people... maybe even 3. It's been a decades long struggle to get over some of them. Today suddenly I'm ok. With all of it. I am suddenly ready to let go and move on with my life. The life I've chosen. The life I'm actively building. A life I want. Just like that. I won't pretend that this has been an easy journey. Even years ago when I decided when I was ready for a change. When I began to make strides toward letting go of the things in my past. It was a struggle. Cutting strings, letting go, reassigning the level of significance of previously important people and experiences, has caused me to redefine my life. I can finally say it's been worth it. I can finally say I love myself enough to have a fulfilling life. I'd list everything I've done to get to this point. But it's a journey that looks different for everyone. My hope for everyone is that they love themselves enough to do the same. Peace and love friends.