Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Happily Ever After

Happily Ever After....this is the self titled them of my life. After what? You might ask. After every setback and disappointment, after every bump in the road, after ever monkey wrench that is thrown into my plans, "Happily Ever After" is the impetus of my resolve to move forward from what has gone differently than what I hoped or expected. It is the resolve to accept, and even enjoy where I find myself instead.

I just celebrated my wedding anniversary with my husband. Our plans, and time spent were amazingly special.  I remember the look in my husband's eyes the day we married. I remember the look in his eyes as I lay on my deathbed. He LOVES me. Our marriage, and our lives are not perfect. But we are finally on a path that we are forging together. I picture us with machetes in hand, carving out a path, working together, helping each other, supporting each other, inspiring each other. It's not easy, it's not always fun, but shared hope, and dreams, and combined desires motivate us.

We can be in a loveless place and know love exists. I am a witness to that. It is the hope of getting back to my source that has sustained me through loveless times. I am finally learning how to better love those that are open and available to love me. I have learned more about what love is (and what it is not) in the past several months, than I obtained in 30 years prior to that. My first several years of life, I knew all I needed to know about love. My six year old daughter is a reminder to me of who I used to be. How I used to love. The love of a child un-jaded and innocent is one of the most precious commodities on the face of the Earth. I remember loving as she loves now. It's so simple, free, pure, and uncomplicated. To be less complex and able to love as such again would be wonderful. But times marches on. Life becomes more complicated. Hearts get bruised, broken, even shattered. And so we acclimate. My saving grace has been inspired by the very breath of God. To feel a loving connection that He is so obviously wrapped up in. To understand that real love is sourced thru Him, and that it is perfect, is the only thing that prevented me from giving up on love all together.

I have had foundational blocks of my beliefs, and dreams ripped away from me. But I've had a revelation, that as long as the cornerstone of who I am remains in tact, I will be ok. I can rebuild. I can be made better. This revelation left me to soul search. Who am I? At the very foundation of my essence, what am I made of? What was I made for? The answer to that question alone, though I have changed as an individual, though vehicles by which I have performed my purpose over the years has changed... that cornerstone, the very ideal of what I was created to be and do has remained the same. An understanding that was so clear to me as an innocent young girl, still rings true in my soul presently. I was created to love others. Anyone who knows me best, already knows that. Anyone that loves me back will attest to it.

 I write these words without pomp and circumstance, without arrogance or piety. We all think we know what love it to some degree. It is life, and it is greif. Love is pleasure, and it is pain. It's not nearly as glamorous as those ignorant of real love portray it to be. But there is one fact that is paramount. It's much larger than the individual whom is love's conduit.

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