Birthday Blog (almost)

I'm another year older. I feel about 100 years wiser. The bottom line is, I'm happy :) I even checked in black and white. Remember that blog? Anyway time restraints and celebrations hinder me from writing my thoughts right now. I'm looking forward to sitting down and allowing myself a cathartic release. That's what productive, mature, seasoned women do right? Stay tuned!

Just Wait 'Til Tomorrow

I absolutely love this quote. In fact I love this truth in general. It's attributed to a famous poet here. But I think the first time it was relayed to me was in the story of Little Orphan Annie, when she sang the song Tomorrow. It's a principle for living I'm thankful I came across at a young age. I can't tell you how many times my dramatic ass has stared out the window and sang those lyrics :)

I heard in a sermon one day, that the best advice you can give a suicidal person is: "Wait three days." Apparently, amongst suicide intervention techniques, if a person is willing to follow this advice, time and perspective drastically reduce the rate of death. Time has become a better friend to me than I ever thought possible. With the passage of time my perspective and understanding become so much clearer. In the age of instant gratification, learning the "art of waiting" is difficult. But for me it has drastically reduced my self destructive tendencies. I may always be my worst critic. But I don't want to live a life of self loathing and destruction. The longer I live, the more I internalize that I have worthwhile contributions to make to the people I love, and people who cross my path.

So I do my best to live in the present, whilst striking the balance of planning for the future. I remind myself that the past is over, and all I am obligated to drag forward with me are the lessons learned, and valuable experience I've gained. 

My Pleasant Surprise

Life hasn't been beating me up, but it sure has been wearing me down. Every time I sit down to write, I am pulled away. I'd be foolish to complain. Most of my circumstances, and upcoming developments are positive ones. However, some circumstances are devastatingly negative. The culmination of fast sweeping change, and negative challenges has a tendency to wear a person historically resistant to change, down. I think I do a good job most days of staying focused and productive. Yesterday wasn't one of those days.

By about my fourth hour in bed last evening, I was whisked from my room. My husband had made a late night call to a local sushi place. With kids in bed or out for the evening, he spread a blanket, poured a huge glass of red wine, and we had a picnic. If I've said it once, I've said it one thousand times, I hope everyone has an opportunity to love like this in their lifetime. It's the kind of love you feel unworthy of. The kind of love allows you forget every stress and worry in the world...if only for a little while. It heals you.

Have a great weekend friends. Find someone to love on. Be well xoxo

Happily Ever After

Happily Ever After....this is the self titled them of my life. After what? You might ask. After every setback and disappointment, after every bump in the road, after ever monkey wrench that is thrown into my plans, "Happily Ever After" is the impetus of my resolve to move forward from what has gone differently than what I hoped or expected. It is the resolve to accept, and even enjoy where I find myself instead.

I just celebrated my wedding anniversary with my husband. Our plans, and time spent were amazingly special.  I remember the look in my husband's eyes the day we married. I remember the look in his eyes as I lay on my deathbed. He LOVES me. Our marriage, and our lives are not perfect. But we are finally on a path that we are forging together. I picture us with machetes in hand, carving out a path, working together, helping each other, supporting each other, inspiring each other. It's not easy, it's not always fun, but shared hope, and dreams, and combined desires motivate us.

We can be in a loveless place and know love exists. I am a witness to that. It is the hope of getting back to my source that has sustained me through loveless times. I am finally learning how to better love those that are open and available to love me. I have learned more about what love is (and what it is not) in the past several months, than I obtained in 30 years prior to that. My first several years of life, I knew all I needed to know about love. My six year old daughter is a reminder to me of who I used to be. How I used to love. The love of a child un-jaded and innocent is one of the most precious commodities on the face of the Earth. I remember loving as she loves now. It's so simple, free, pure, and uncomplicated. To be less complex and able to love as such again would be wonderful. But times marches on. Life becomes more complicated. Hearts get bruised, broken, even shattered. And so we acclimate. My saving grace has been inspired by the very breath of God. To feel a loving connection that He is so obviously wrapped up in. To understand that real love is sourced thru Him, and that it is perfect, is the only thing that prevented me from giving up on love all together.

I have had foundational blocks of my beliefs, and dreams ripped away from me. But I've had a revelation, that as long as the cornerstone of who I am remains in tact, I will be ok. I can rebuild. I can be made better. This revelation left me to soul search. Who am I? At the very foundation of my essence, what am I made of? What was I made for? The answer to that question alone, though I have changed as an individual, though vehicles by which I have performed my purpose over the years has changed... that cornerstone, the very ideal of what I was created to be and do has remained the same. An understanding that was so clear to me as an innocent young girl, still rings true in my soul presently. I was created to love others. Anyone who knows me best, already knows that. Anyone that loves me back will attest to it.

 I write these words without pomp and circumstance, without arrogance or piety. We all think we know what love it to some degree. It is life, and it is greif. Love is pleasure, and it is pain. It's not nearly as glamorous as those ignorant of real love portray it to be. But there is one fact that is paramount. It's much larger than the individual whom is love's conduit.

Spring Break Hiaku

I hear geese outside

Screaming in complete horror

This is snow where's Spring

19

Nineteen years passes in the blink of an eye... Finally I think of you, and am at peace... My first love. Not gone not forgotten.... I've got HEAVEN right here on Earth.

The 1st words to my conscience this morning: "I will never leave or forsake you."

Words straight from MY SOURCE. I feel like going on. That's all the motivation I need. Have a blessed day friends. Live well...xoxo.