A Series of Boxes

It's wondrous to think that a person's life can be so often be reduced to a series of boxes. Collecting memories and experiences has become more important to me than collecting tangible objects. But that doesn't mean that I don't recognize, that when my life form is reduced to little more than a vapor, the material things I leave behind will be what many people will remember me for. I hope to have amassed a few things that are intriguing to the average eye. Living a life of purpose means obtaining objects that hopefully tell the story of the life you built. 

But as I fill these boxes I continue to see and understand that what has been important in the past is much less important now. When it's time to gather those objects that  matter most, I am in awe of what things transition with me. Who I am, is not who I was. Who I will become is a mystery. An exciting prospect considering I spent so many years trying to become who I wanted to be. It appears I will become who I am supposed to be. I appreciate the feedback of those around me who observe my life principles. I'm learning to accept what is laid before me. I'm on a quest to seek knowledge and wisdom in any given circumstance. By opening myself up to the life intended for me, I now experience less drama, less sorrow, less stress, more love, more peace, and more happiness. There's less of everything I have struggled to avoid, and more of everything I always sought. 

The results are manifesting into the physical realm of the "things" you see around me. I hope my story to those who will judge me by what they see after I am no more, represents a woman they would have wanted to know. A woman that they can learn from even though she is not there to pass on advice or examples. Blessings friends...live well xoxo.

Pause

Sooooo this is me trying to collect myself this afternoon before going to work. I've got 4 kids in 4 schools this year. Just getting everyone out the door in the morning is a three and a half hour process! The madness that is my life right now, refuses to allow me to find an organized rhythm. I've got at least 4 amazing blogs bouncing around in my scull that I don't have time to write. Apparently I had time for a photo shoot though. It took at least 10 attempts to capture an image that didn't make me look like death warmed over :) As crazy as things are, I am constantly amazed as disappointments are transformed into blessings.  God's hand is in my life. When I can't rejoice for my circumstances I can at least give Him thanks for answering my most common petition. "Lord bless my mess!"

So "life goes on" as I often say. Many of my challenges and struggles remain the same. I wait patiently for resolve and resolution. I have been wracking my brain on words to share since the passing of my birthday. I am nothing short of excited with the passing of each year. Not because it's my day. Not because I am celebrated. I am happy because to me it symbolizes my opportunity to grow. I want to be more knowledgeable, mature, and effective..... continually. I want to have my life together, and live well. I want to love the life I live. I am actively seeking happiness and satisfaction. These are all things I've said before. My birthday is reminder of all of those things, and an opportunity to assess where I am in the process.

I am happy to report I am settling into many of my self assigned roles and goals nicely. I'm also extremely nervous about other goals I have set. But I am determined to press forward, and work towards them. If I am in fact on the correct path, I expect the kinks and challenges are either opportunities for me to grow, or they are meant lead me in another direction. So I wait, though I continue to live and plan. The biggest point of growth in my life right now is my adaptation to flexibility. It's actually not as horrible a trait as I originally thought. I am out of my comfort zone when it comes to thinking and living more flexible. But I think it will be my saving grace since etching life in stone leave a person with little alternative than to scrap things and start all over when things don't go according to plan.

At any rate. I look forward to moving ahead with the greatest life partner I could have ever asked for. Additionally, I have my amazing supportive friends who have been in my life longer than any of them were strangers to me. They provide insight and clarification with a level of devotion and love that is second to none.  As I look back over my life, I realize it's been more good than bad. Subsequently, my best days are ahead of me. What an exciting thought!

Birthday Blog (almost)

I'm another year older. I feel about 100 years wiser. The bottom line is, I'm happy :) I even checked in black and white. Remember that blog? Anyway time restraints and celebrations hinder me from writing my thoughts right now. I'm looking forward to sitting down and allowing myself a cathartic release. That's what productive, mature, seasoned women do right? Stay tuned!

Just Wait 'Til Tomorrow

I absolutely love this quote. In fact I love this truth in general. It's attributed to a famous poet here. But I think the first time it was relayed to me was in the story of Little Orphan Annie, when she sang the song Tomorrow. It's a principle for living I'm thankful I came across at a young age. I can't tell you how many times my dramatic ass has stared out the window and sang those lyrics :)

I heard in a sermon one day, that the best advice you can give a suicidal person is: "Wait three days." Apparently, amongst suicide intervention techniques, if a person is willing to follow this advice, time and perspective drastically reduce the rate of death. Time has become a better friend to me than I ever thought possible. With the passage of time my perspective and understanding become so much clearer. In the age of instant gratification, learning the "art of waiting" is difficult. But for me it has drastically reduced my self destructive tendencies. I may always be my worst critic. But I don't want to live a life of self loathing and destruction. The longer I live, the more I internalize that I have worthwhile contributions to make to the people I love, and people who cross my path.

So I do my best to live in the present, whilst striking the balance of planning for the future. I remind myself that the past is over, and all I am obligated to drag forward with me are the lessons learned, and valuable experience I've gained. 

My Pleasant Surprise

Life hasn't been beating me up, but it sure has been wearing me down. Every time I sit down to write, I am pulled away. I'd be foolish to complain. Most of my circumstances, and upcoming developments are positive ones. However, some circumstances are devastatingly negative. The culmination of fast sweeping change, and negative challenges has a tendency to wear a person historically resistant to change, down. I think I do a good job most days of staying focused and productive. Yesterday wasn't one of those days.

By about my fourth hour in bed last evening, I was whisked from my room. My husband had made a late night call to a local sushi place. With kids in bed or out for the evening, he spread a blanket, poured a huge glass of red wine, and we had a picnic. If I've said it once, I've said it one thousand times, I hope everyone has an opportunity to love like this in their lifetime. It's the kind of love you feel unworthy of. The kind of love allows you forget every stress and worry in the world...if only for a little while. It heals you.

Have a great weekend friends. Find someone to love on. Be well xoxo

Happily Ever After

Happily Ever After....this is the self titled them of my life. After what? You might ask. After every setback and disappointment, after every bump in the road, after ever monkey wrench that is thrown into my plans, "Happily Ever After" is the impetus of my resolve to move forward from what has gone differently than what I hoped or expected. It is the resolve to accept, and even enjoy where I find myself instead.

I just celebrated my wedding anniversary with my husband. Our plans, and time spent were amazingly special.  I remember the look in my husband's eyes the day we married. I remember the look in his eyes as I lay on my deathbed. He LOVES me. Our marriage, and our lives are not perfect. But we are finally on a path that we are forging together. I picture us with machetes in hand, carving out a path, working together, helping each other, supporting each other, inspiring each other. It's not easy, it's not always fun, but shared hope, and dreams, and combined desires motivate us.

We can be in a loveless place and know love exists. I am a witness to that. It is the hope of getting back to my source that has sustained me through loveless times. I am finally learning how to better love those that are open and available to love me. I have learned more about what love is (and what it is not) in the past several months, than I obtained in 30 years prior to that. My first several years of life, I knew all I needed to know about love. My six year old daughter is a reminder to me of who I used to be. How I used to love. The love of a child un-jaded and innocent is one of the most precious commodities on the face of the Earth. I remember loving as she loves now. It's so simple, free, pure, and uncomplicated. To be less complex and able to love as such again would be wonderful. But times marches on. Life becomes more complicated. Hearts get bruised, broken, even shattered. And so we acclimate. My saving grace has been inspired by the very breath of God. To feel a loving connection that He is so obviously wrapped up in. To understand that real love is sourced thru Him, and that it is perfect, is the only thing that prevented me from giving up on love all together.

I have had foundational blocks of my beliefs, and dreams ripped away from me. But I've had a revelation, that as long as the cornerstone of who I am remains in tact, I will be ok. I can rebuild. I can be made better. This revelation left me to soul search. Who am I? At the very foundation of my essence, what am I made of? What was I made for? The answer to that question alone, though I have changed as an individual, though vehicles by which I have performed my purpose over the years has changed... that cornerstone, the very ideal of what I was created to be and do has remained the same. An understanding that was so clear to me as an innocent young girl, still rings true in my soul presently. I was created to love others. Anyone who knows me best, already knows that. Anyone that loves me back will attest to it.

 I write these words without pomp and circumstance, without arrogance or piety. We all think we know what love it to some degree. It is life, and it is greif. Love is pleasure, and it is pain. It's not nearly as glamorous as those ignorant of real love portray it to be. But there is one fact that is paramount. It's much larger than the individual whom is love's conduit.